Hope Because of Experience

It looks like I will yet again be experiencing the miracle of willingly waiting before it is God's timing for me to have more children. I still don't understand the purpose of my continued feelings that I am doing God's will to keep hoping and trying to become a mother again when the outcome is so often another painful disappointment. But I do know that the opposite feelings of hope and faith and peace and joy outweigh the sorrow. I know there is a purpose somehow.

"Traumatic as miscarriage and stillbirth may be from our perspective, they need not end in sorrow. The Apostle Paul has written about how suffering can turn to hope when we experience the love of God:
“We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
“And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
“And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” (Rom. 5:3–5.) ( quoted from "I have a Question" Ensign September 1987)

"A few years ago, Sister Joyce Audrey Evans, a young mother in Belfast, Northern Ireland, was having trouble with a pregnancy. She went to the hospital, where one of the nurses told her she would probably lose the baby. Sister Evans replied: “But I can’t give up. … You have to give me hope.” Sister Evans later recalled: “I couldn’t give up hope until all reason for hope was gone. It was something I owed to my unborn child.”

Three days later she had a miscarriage. She wrote: “For one long moment, I felt nothing. Then a profound feeling of peace flowed through me. With the peace came understanding. I knew now why I couldn’t give up hope in spite of all the circumstances: you either live in hope or you live in despair. Without hope, you cannot endure to the end. I had looked for an answer to prayers and was not disappointed; I was healed in body and rewarded with a spirit of peace. Never before had I felt so close to my Heavenly Father; never before had I felt such peace"
President James E. Faust "Hope an Anchor of the Soul "

Willingly Waiting: My Lessons from Three Miscarriages

My strong desire to have children has never been completely vanquished even though sometimes seemingly endless obstacles assail me as I work toward becoming a wise mom.   It took a while, and many tears, before I was blessed with my first daughter.  I was so thankful that my waiting had ended and enjoyed being a mother so much.

 I soon realized that my waiting had only begun.   It was seven years of hoping before I finally found out I was expecting my second child.  Only a few days later, I found out I was going to miscarry.  I wondered why I would finally be allowed to carry a child only to let it go so soon.  My daughter had prayed so often for a little sister.  My husband and I had prayed countless times.  However, I tried to make sure that my prayers always included the words “according to thy will.” 

I knew I faced a critical decision after that miscarriage:  Do I become discouraged and disheartened?  Or do I decide to be thankful for even that brief time of the joy of carrying a new life within me.  I had enough experience with disappointment.  I wanted to be grateful.  Another miscarriage followed and I again chose to be thankful for the miracle of pregnancy no matter what happened. 

I was traveling in Guatemala a few months later when I found out that I was expecting again.  I knew there was a high chance I would miscarry early (I have Graves disease which often is related to high thyroid levels and can make it difficult to keep a pregnancy), but the happiness I felt in becoming pregnant for a third time in one year after enduring seven years of unfruitful hopes, was stronger than my fear.  I decided to climb the ruins and experience the other things on my vacation and focus on enjoying the journey whichever direction it took me. I was blessed with another beautiful baby girl.

It has been almost two years since I had my second daughter.  I was thrilled to discover that I was not required to wait seven years this time.  Then the miscarriage started the next day.  Once again I am doing my best to willingly wait on the Lord’s will for me.  I have decided that being willing is more important than being successful .  I know my Heavenly Father accepts my desires and my best efforts even when they don’t seem to bear much fruit.  I am so thankful for His lessons in patience.

Simply a Supermom: Anyone who Continues in Patience

I loved this video version of one of my favorite stories from General Conference last April. This story about children and marshmallows really has helped me as I have faced challenges that tempt me to be impatient. I admire and applaud anyone who has that marvelous gift of patience and all who continue to exercise patience in trying to acquire patience (as I do) :) Enjoy!
Continue in Patience

Be Inspired,

Lessons from my Experience with Infertility and Miscarriage

Since I just experienced my second miscarriage this year, after seven years of infertility and hoping, I have had some time to reflect on the lessons I have learned. I am grateful for the lessons because I would have assumed that a miscarriage would bring more heartache into my life but instead has been a very hopeful and exciting experience that I am very grateful for. I know if I gave myself license to think of the sadness of it too long, I might change my mind so I have decided to think only of the wonderful gift it is even to have only a few days or weeks of participating in the wonderful creation of a new life.

It took just over a year after my marriage before I was blessed with my first pregnancy and a few months later blessed with a beautiful daughter. Even that year was hard for me even though I know in comparison to many, one year is not long to wait. I thought my dream of at least six children was on it's way. But after this first pregnancy there were no more for seven years.

For the first several of those years, I spent much time praying and reading infertility articles and taking infertility tests which never revealed the reason I was not becoming pregnant. I felt confused and saddened when I was around others who were able to have children even when they were not married, or did not want their children or . . . many things seemed unfair. I wondered what I had done to make me unfit to have the many children I had hoped for.

Eventually, I fell into a deep depression and for some months was unable to even care for myself properly. But during that time there were many miracles.
1) I learned that it was important for me to be happy being me and to find out who I really was and what God wanted me to do.
2) I learned that God loved me and had other purposes for me along with the important opportunity of being a mother.
3) I learned that sometimes less is more and that I had a singular opportunity to give everything I had to my one precious daughter
4) I learned to desire what God wanted for me instead of what I wanted and to trust in His direction and His timing in the events of my life
5) I learned the probable cause of my infertility and depression when tests revealed thyroid problems and Graves Disease.
6) I learned to be thankful and that gratitude brings the light back when depression threatens to cloud it.
7) I learned how to feel the true sadness in some things in my life without losing the gratitude and the hope.

Because of those lessons I was able to see these miscarriages as blessings. I don't know God's plan for me and my life but I do know that He is aware of me and that I can be happy in whatever that plan is. I was even able to have great discussions with my daughter about why her consistent prayers for a baby brother or sister have not been fulfilled yet and she has been able to happily decide to keep praying and never give up but also to see the blessings she has by being the only child in our family.

I feel so happy to see the great strides and progress I have made so that now my emotional health is much more stable and disappointments, even very large ones, do not have as many detrimental effects on me. Even when my thyroid and hormone levels are not right and things are more challenging I am learning to be a better mom and enjoy each moment as it comes.