What a fun way to accomplish Personal Progress Goals Together. Thanks for inviting me. It was fun to be able to wear Grandma Mattie's hat too.
You just made my day with your precious enjoyment of the simple things in life.
PS Did you know these fun dandelion facts? I only knew a couple of them:
I completed the sweater I started a little while ago. I made it size 1x in case my pregnancy made it so it is way big and will be more of a snuggie blanket than a sweater, but I am really excited that I finished it and that I made it all out of a big bag of leftover yarn my hubby found for me at a thrift shop. I did it as one of my young women personal progress goals for knowledge. I have never knitted a sweater for myself before. It was really fun to do.
What are you happy you accomplished today!
Starflower is so excited to be at ballet class. She has been yelling and jumping up and down like she does each Monday morning when she finds out it is dance class day. I am sitting here trying not to cry. Writing will help me get my feelings out in a "more acceptable in public" way.
I still feel pain from the miscarriage and it was hard to find the energy to take her to class. Now I am here with several new moms and their babies and a few expecting moms. I am not feeling jealous and I am happy for them. But it does remind me of what I hoped for and what I am missing out on now.
Since having Starflower 2 years ago there have been three more miscarriages and failed fertility treatments and then several months without a pregnancy. I now know that the heparin shots that seemed to be the miracle answer that helped me carry Starflower is not the answer to help with another pregnancy. I was also adjusting to the mentality that I am 38 now and maybe I am done having babies. Then suddenly I am expecting and so surprised and happy. I just started getting my baby bump and had just begun to really think this time was going be a healthy pregnancy since I made it past 7 weeks with no bad symptoms (which is usually a great sign for me. Almost all have been lost before the 7 week mark). I had adjusted again --to thinking about car seats and a mini van and changing other plans with my older girls to accommodate how my pregnancy would affect me and how a new baby in October would fit into our life. Then 1 week later it was all over again. My life is a dance with giant, sudden and drastic mood changes.
I have a few more weeks before I will recover physically. I have to be careful and choose my activities wisely and watch for postpartum depression and everything. However, there is no new baby to care for. Without a belief in a life after this one, it would all seem so pointless.
But it isn't pointless. There is a reason for it all. And I am still glad to have experienced 8 weeks with that little one. I am thankful for the dance.
What is happening in your dance today?
Last Sunday I lost my 18th baby to miscarriage (15th miscarriage, 8 weeks along).
By now part of me is used to the pain and moves on quickly. But part of me dies and never comes back to life again. I have been asked if I will ever stop counting. No. I never can. Each baby is unique and I can feel it even in only a few weeks of carrying that special angel.
I was granted my two prayers: 1) to be able to see my baby on ultrasound with a nice, healthy heartbeat and have a picture to keep, and 2) to be able to see my tiny baby even if I lost it. My prayers were answered and I am so thankful. I keep telling myself:
Be Inspired and Never Give Up,
As I tucked Lady Slipper into bed, you woke up and suddenly said in your sweet little voice "Sa'annah snuggo me!" (Savannah snuggle me). She was too tired to move and so you asked me to "snuggo me mom. Snuggo me." Which I happily did. I felt your soft hands reaching out as you began to talk again "fingus mom. Fingus" until each one clasped one of my fingers.
Simply Heaven even at 2am. (And definitely a Tiny Triumph in my day).
I love you my little one,
After each song at church today you would say "Piano done mom." I am surprised at how many instrument names you know. You pointed some out to me last night as we watched Music and the Spoken Word.
You are saying lots and lots of full sentences now and you are so confident in telling us your needs and wants. It is so cute to hear you. Today you told my friend Heather "Hold my hand, Hedder." And lately you have been starting to say the prayer yourself when you know we are about to say blessing on the food or family prayer by saying "Bless Mom. Bless S'anna. (Savannah/Lady Slipper) Bless Lisa (Angelisa/Morning Glory) Bless Dad. Amen!!" And you dramatically spread your arms out wide as you finish.
I love being your Mom.
Thank you for coming to our family.
My depression has become worse again lately. I keep hoping that someday that affliction will finally be gone for good in my life, or at least stop rearing up to haunt me (because of the use of carefully prescribed medications from a great doctor). But even with excellent care, for the last 15 years I haven't had very long breaks. Isn't that long enough to learn the lessons I need from this health challenge? Couldn't at least that part go away and I could simply struggle with my several autoimmune diseases and that would be enough? Apparently not.
Singing has most often been my coping strategy:
When the days are gloomy,
Sing some happy song;
Meet the world’s repining
With a courage strong.
Go with faith undaunted
Thru the ills of life;
Scatter smiles and sunshine
O’er its toil and strife. (Scatter Sunshine Hymns 230)
The darkest of my thoughts is that my family doesn't need me anymore-- that my illnesses have made me unable to help and care for them, so it would be better if someone else could take over for me. But the encouragement I have received from others helps me listen to my strong heart telling me there is no way those thoughts are true and that I am still needed in whatever capacity I am able to give. Today those depressing thoughts are lifted. I am going to take advantage of that!!
President Hinckley who is one whose influence was greatest during my defining teenage and college years said:
Believe in yourself. Believe in your capacity to do great and good things. Believe that no mountain is so high that you cannot climb it. Believe that no storm is so great that you cannot weather it. … You are a child of God, of infinite capacity.
Stand a little taller, rise a little higher, be a little better. Make the extra effort. You will be happier. (Teachings of Presidents of the church: Gordon B. Hinckley, chapter 3)
I have found that the decision to follow those words throughout my life and decide to be happy in my heart even when my mind can't feel any of it, and to write down the happy things, has made all the difference in turning even depressing days into joys as I read about them later. And remembering how depressed I was on a day that has a list of so many happy things, shows me that I really do make a difference even when I am sick.
What small things do I do each day that lead to the bigger goals I work so hard to achieve? How can I take better notice of those tiny threads in the tapestry of my own goals, Let alone how they fit in Heavenly Father's master tapestry?
Even simply finding one piece of one thread each day, and taking time to enjoy the triumph, will lead me to even greater joy.
I look forward to it. . .
Be Inspired in 2017,
Yesterday, you read a book about a boy who wrote down his 50 favorite things. You felt that there was just no way you could think of that many favorites. So we got out your journal and tried it. I loved watching you think and the surprise you exuded when you very quickly made it to 50 things.
Later that afternoon, it snowed a little just as we were walking out of dance class, Perfect timing, for both you and I really love snow. I knew it was a miracle. You said "mom please help me add 51 to my list: snow." Then on the drive home you saw a horse and got so excited "52 mom! Horses!! They are my favorite animal!!" I added them to your list.
Thanks for sharing your favorites with me!!