Starflower is so excited to be at ballet class. She has been yelling and jumping up and down like she does each Monday morning when she finds out it is dance class day. I am sitting here trying not to cry. Writing will help me get my feelings out in a "more acceptable in public" way.
I still feel pain from the miscarriage and it was hard to find the energy to take her to class. Now I am here with several new moms and their babies and a few expecting moms. I am not feeling jealous and I am happy for them. But it does remind me of what I hoped for and what I am missing out on now.
Since having Starflower 2 years ago there have been three more miscarriages and failed fertility treatments and then several months without a pregnancy. I now know that the heparin shots that seemed to be the miracle answer that helped me carry Starflower is not the answer to help with another pregnancy. I was also adjusting to the mentality that I am 38 now and maybe I am done having babies. Then suddenly I am expecting and so surprised and happy. I just started getting my baby bump and had just begun to really think this time was going be a healthy pregnancy since I made it past 7 weeks with no bad symptoms (which is usually a great sign for me. Almost all have been lost before the 7 week mark). I had adjusted again --to thinking about car seats and a mini van and changing other plans with my older girls to accommodate how my pregnancy would affect me and how a new baby in October would fit into our life. Then 1 week later it was all over again. My life is a dance with giant, sudden and drastic mood changes.
I have a few more weeks before I will recover physically. I have to be careful and choose my activities wisely and watch for postpartum depression and everything. However, there is no new baby to care for. Without a belief in a life after this one, it would all seem so pointless.
But it isn't pointless. There is a reason for it all. And I am still glad to have experienced 8 weeks with that little one. I am thankful for the dance.
What is happening in your dance today?