Monday, March 20, 2017

Enjoying the Dance.

Starflower is so excited to be at ballet class.  She has been yelling and jumping up and down like she does each Monday morning when she finds out it is dance class day. I am sitting here trying not to cry.  Writing will help me get my feelings out in a "more acceptable in public" way. 

I still feel pain from the miscarriage and it was hard to find the energy to take her to class. Now I am here with several new moms and their babies and a few expecting moms.  I am not feeling jealous and I am happy for them.  But it does remind me of what I hoped for and what I am missing out on now. 

Since having Starflower 2 years ago there have been three more miscarriages and failed fertility treatments and then several months without a pregnancy.  I now know that the heparin shots that seemed to be the miracle answer that helped me carry Starflower is not the answer to help with another pregnancy.  I was  also adjusting to the mentality that I am 38 now and maybe I am done having babies.  Then suddenly I am expecting and so surprised and happy.  I just started getting my baby bump and had just begun to really think this time was going be a healthy pregnancy since I made it past 7 weeks with no bad symptoms (which is usually a great sign for me. Almost all have been lost before the 7 week mark). I had adjusted again --to thinking about car seats and a mini van and changing other plans with my older girls to accommodate how my pregnancy would affect me and how a new baby in October would fit into our life.  Then 1 week later it was all over again.  My life is a dance with giant, sudden and drastic mood changes.

I have a few more weeks before I will recover physically.  I have to be careful and choose my activities wisely and watch for postpartum depression and everything.  However, there is no new baby to care for.  Without a belief in a life after this one, it would all seem so pointless.

But it isn't pointless.  There is a reason for it all. And I am still glad to have experienced 8 weeks with that little one. I am thankful for the dance.

What is happening in your dance today?

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Will I Ever Stop Counting? Never

Last Sunday I lost my 18th baby to miscarriage (15th miscarriage, 8 weeks along).
  By now part of me is used to the pain and moves on quickly.  But part of me dies and never comes back to life again.  I have been asked if I will ever stop counting.   No. I never can.  Each baby is unique and I can feel it even in only a few weeks of carrying that special angel.

I was granted my two prayers: 1) to be able to see my baby on ultrasound with a nice, healthy heartbeat and have a picture to keep, and 2) to be able to see my tiny baby even if I lost it.  My prayers were answered and I am so thankful.  I keep telling myself:

Be Inspired and Never Give Up,

Janelle Joy

Sunday, March 5, 2017

"S'anna Snuggo Me"

Starflower,

As I tucked Lady Slipper into bed, you woke up and suddenly said  in your sweet little voice "Sa'annah  snuggo me!" (Savannah snuggle me).  She was too tired to move and so you asked me to "snuggo me mom. Snuggo me." Which I happily did.  I felt your soft hands reaching out as you began to talk again "fingus  mom. Fingus" until each one clasped one of my fingers.

Simply Heaven even at 2am. (And definitely a Tiny Triumph in my day).

I love you my little one,

Mom

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Piano All Done, Mom

Starflower,

After each song at church today you would say "Piano done mom."  I am surprised at how  many instrument names you know.  You pointed some out to me last night as we watched Music and the Spoken Word.

You are saying lots and lots of full sentences now and you are so confident in telling us your needs and wants. It is so cute to hear you.  Today you told  my friend Heather "Hold my hand, Hedder."  And lately you have been starting to say the prayer yourself when you know we are about to say blessing on the food or family prayer by saying "Bless Mom. Bless S'anna.  (Savannah/Lady Slipper)  Bless Lisa (Angelisa/Morning Glory)  Bless Dad. Amen!!" And you dramatically spread your arms out wide as you finish.

I love being your Mom.
Thank you for coming to our family.

Love,

Mom

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