Enjoying the Dance.

Starflower is so excited to be at ballet class.  She has been yelling and jumping up and down like she does each Monday morning when she finds out it is dance class day. I am sitting here trying not to cry.  Writing will help me get my feelings out in a "more acceptable in public" way. 

I still feel pain from the miscarriage and it was hard to find the energy to take her to class. Now I am here with several new moms and their babies and a few expecting moms.  I am not feeling jealous and I am happy for them.  But it does remind me of what I hoped for and what I am missing out on now. 

Since having Starflower 2 years ago there have been three more miscarriages and failed fertility treatments and then several months without a pregnancy.  I now know that the heparin shots that seemed to be the miracle answer that helped me carry Starflower is not the answer to help with another pregnancy.  I was  also adjusting to the mentality that I am 38 now and maybe I am done having babies.  Then suddenly I am expecting and so surprised and happy.  I just started getting my baby bump and had just begun to really think this time was going be a healthy pregnancy since I made it past 7 weeks with no bad symptoms (which is usually a great sign for me. Almost all have been lost before the 7 week mark). I had adjusted again --to thinking about car seats and a mini van and changing other plans with my older girls to accommodate how my pregnancy would affect me and how a new baby in October would fit into our life.  Then 1 week later it was all over again.  My life is a dance with giant, sudden and drastic mood changes.

I have a few more weeks before I will recover physically.  I have to be careful and choose my activities wisely and watch for postpartum depression and everything.  However, there is no new baby to care for.  Without a belief in a life after this one, it would all seem so pointless.

But it isn't pointless.  There is a reason for it all. And I am still glad to have experienced 8 weeks with that little one. I am thankful for the dance.

What is happening in your dance today?

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

Will I Ever Stop Counting? Never

Last Sunday I lost my 18th baby to miscarriage (15th miscarriage, 8 weeks along).
  By now part of me is used to the pain and moves on quickly.  But part of me dies and never comes back to life again.  I have been asked if I will ever stop counting.   No. I never can.  Each baby is unique and I can feel it even in only a few weeks of carrying that special angel.

I was granted my two prayers: 1) to be able to see my baby on ultrasound with a nice, healthy heartbeat and have a picture to keep, and 2) to be able to see my tiny baby even if I lost it.  My prayers were answered and I am so thankful.  I keep telling myself:

Be Inspired and Never Give Up,

Janelle Joy

Postpartum Psychosis

Wow.  Postpartum psychosis is real and can be so scary.  I spent several days in the hospital and now continue to work toward recovery at home.  I am thankful that in my psychosis, I never wanted to harm myself or my beautiful starflower or anyone else. Studying about the condition has enlightened me to understand that fact is a huge blessing in itself.

I continue to feel scared.  But I also remember that no matter what I suffer, all of it us worth it in order to have my beautiful baby.  And my personal testimony of Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ and His plan for me can keep me going through anything.

I will not give up!!

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

What a Miracle!

  We are living a  moment to moment miracle and have made it almost 6 months, Little One (23 weeks and 2 days)!

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

Thankful Thinking: Did I Really Feel That?

I really do feel that new little one kicking around in there!! That is so much fun! We are about 10 weeks along now, My Little One. Hope you have a few more weeks of practice--can you make it at least until Christmas?  

Every day with this new life inside me is an amazing miracle.

What is a miracle in your life today?

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

February Mini-Mission: Rejoice in Small Victories

I didn't get it posted earlier this month, but I have been focusing on the little victories each day to help me hold onto hope.  I really needed that goal this month as I had my 11th miscarriage on Feb 4th, and on Feb 14th I learned that I have polyps in my uterus which need to be removed as well as the autoimmune antibodies attacking my babies, and a hormone imbalance making it hard to have enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy (I knew about the last two).  I was scared about the surgery I had on Feb 20th to remove the polyps but it went really well. 


I continue to think of each little daily victory as well as past larger victories that remind me that I have much reason to hope for a bright future.


"Rejoice in life’s small victories. Hope emerges and is sustained when we regularly discover reasons for it. Capitalize on the small victories that unfold daily, such as completing assignments, submitting job applications, reading your scriptures, or exercising for a few minutes each day. These accomplishments provide proof that effort is rewarded, lead to enhanced self-confidence, contribute to effective goal-setting, and instill belief that success can be achieved. Try to notice and celebrate at least two of these victories each day." ("The Healing Balm of Hope," by Vaughn E. Worthen, Ensign September 2013)




What helps you hold onto hope each day?


Be Inspired,


Janelle Joy

Simply a Supermom: Mary-- Willing to Give Life and then Give it Away

This Christmas season had so much more meaning for me than any I have celebrated before. Each time I heard, read, sang, or watched anything about Mary and baby Jesus, I couldn't push away the ache inside for my own baby boy, Benjamin, miscarried suddenly on November 8, 2013 at 2:30 am, at only just over three months along. He was so tiny, yet so perfectly formed. I especially remember his exquisite little hands and feet with all ten tiny fingers and toes, his little open mouth, and miniature ears.

Almost immediately after returning home from the Dr. ,we began to spontaneously begin our Christmas decorating early as a means of cheering us up. Little did I comprehend how beginning this Christmas season with the birth of my own baby boy, even though so small and fragile and gone so quickly, would change my heart forever.

The heartache I felt each time I thought of Mary's sacrifice to bring little baby Jesus into the world for each of us and then to watch Him as He chose to give His life back to His Father in Heaven so that we all can return to our Heavenly home, was deepened more than I could have ever comprehended before losing my own son.  The joy of knowing that only through the loss and suffering of Mary's son, am I and all others saved.

I can't imagine the experience of cradling and raising the son of God, let alone the anguish of watching him willingly give his life.
Mary was chosen for her special mission because of her unique and special gifts, not the least of which were humility and complete trust in God.
What special mission is given to each of us as individual sons and daughters of God? Are we working to discover and fulfill our own destiny?  Some that only we can touch are waiting for us.

What a wonderful Christmas Season.

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

Thoughts After My Ninth Miscarriage: "Shall I Falter, or Shall I Finish?"

Just after making it to 13 weeks along and finally feeling confident in a successful pregnancy, We lost our little baby boy on November 8, 2013.  He was perfect, with perfect tiny toes and fingers, and oh so tiny mouth and ears. This was the hardest but also the most special since it is the first time I got to really touch and see one of the little ones I have lost. 

No matter how hard, I have faith in the plan that Heavenly Father has for me and for my family.  I know that being willing to do his will and be a mom is just as important as being successful in delivering and raising a beautiful child of God.  We were willing and left all the rest to the Lord. I re-read one of my posts from past miscarriages and reminded myself of the peace I have felt before and the understanding I have gained.

Now, it is our job to continue to trust and have faith in a bright future.  Patience, faith and hope are  my survival words as I mourn this loss and continue to strive to keep going. I am thankful for all of my blessings, even this tiny and so unexpected tragedy.

President Monson's words from last General Conference give me comfort and courage:

"When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn . . . At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness. . .A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish?. . ." 

I intend to finish!!

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

Musical Motivation: I Got to Sing With Janice Kapp Perry and Marvin Goldstein!

This is an experience I drafted clear back in August 2012, and I loved reading it so much I decided to publish it.  This is a good memory:

The miracle held out and the pain from my sixth miscarriage didn't come back with much intensity until Saturday Morning after the Education week classes ended.  One of the highlights of the week was when I attended a music class in the Harris Fine Arts Center with Janice Kapp Perry and Marvin Goldstein.

The class began with hearing experiences of each of those powerful musicians: composer and pianist.
Then Janice Kapp Perry announced that even though she is 74 years old now and usually has guests come to sing her songs for her, in this one class (she taught several during the week) she had decided to sing her own songs.  Then she sang herself, and led us, as we accompanied her in singing through 6 of her most loved songs, which also happen to be some of my own personal favorites, including "A Child's Prayer."

What an amazing dream come true

"The Lord Takes Many Away Even in Infancy."

I have been thinking of the little babies I have lost through miscarriages.  During October General Conference, Elder Shayne M. Bowen gave a talk entitled "Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also"  He told his experience of losing his 8 month old son, Tyson.  This talk touched my heart in a special way as I first listened to it and I have returned to it several times since for comfort and direction.

 Here are some of my favorite quotes from this talk:

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”
(Quoting Joseph Smith from Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith (2007), 176. ) 

"I would like to speak to those who have lost a child and have asked the question, “Why me?” or maybe even questioned your own faith in a loving Father in Heaven. It is my prayer that by the power of the Holy Ghost, I may bring some measure of hope, of peace, and of understanding. It is my desire to be an instrument in bringing about a restoration of your faith in our loving Father in Heaven, who knows all things and allows us to experience trials so that we can come to know and love Him and understand that without Him we have nothing." I testify that this life is not the end. The spirit world is real. The teachings of the prophets regarding life after death are true. This life is but a transitory step forward on our journey back to our Heavenly Father.. ."

 "I testify that the veil is thin. The same feelings of loyalty, love, and family unity don’t end as our loved ones pass to the other side; instead, those feelings are intensified.. . . "

"Sometimes people will ask, “How long did it take you to get over it?” The truth is, you will never completely get over it until you are together once again with your departed loved ones. I will never have a fulness of joy until we are reunited in the morning of the First Resurrection. “For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy;. . . . . “And when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy.” But in the meantime, as the Savior taught, we can continue with good cheer. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

Family Friendly:"The Family is the Foundation for Love and for Maintaining Spirituality."

At least on Fridays, I try to study a talk form the most recent General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Today I wanted to share two quotes from the talk "Can You Feel So Now" by Elder Quentin L. Cook. (click on the links for the full talk or to learn more about Elder Cook).  These quotes stood out to me as I often face a future that I am unsure of and I constantly work to keep my fears at bay and continue to believe that no matter what happens my family will be safe in the arms of my Heavenly Father--as long as we obey His counsel:

"The need for civility in society has never been more important. The foundation of kindness and civility begins in our homes. It is not surprising that our public discourse has declined in equal measure with the breakdown of the family. The family is the foundation for love and for maintaining spirituality. The family promotes an atmosphere where religious observance can flourish. There is indeed “beauty all around when there’s love at home” (emphasis added).

"Parents, the days are long past when regular, active participation in Church meetings and programs, though essential, can fulfill your sacred responsibility to teach your children to live moral, righteous lives and walk uprightly before the Lord. With President Monson’s announcement this morning, it is essential that this be faithfully accomplished in homes which are places of refuge where kindness, forgiveness, truth, and righteousness prevail. Parents must have the courage to filter or monitor Internet access, television, movies, and music. Parents must have the courage to say no, defend truth, and bear powerful testimony. Your children need to know that you have faith in the Savior, love your Heavenly Father, and sustain the leaders of the Church. Spiritual maturity must flourish in our homes."  (note: the announcement he refers to is an exciting change to the missionary policy of the church which will allow missionaries to serve at a younger age.  See the link above for more information).

I am also striving to show my faith in another way today as I just found out this morning that I am suffering yet another miscarriage--my seventh.  I am so thankful for my knowledge that families are such an important part of God's plan and that he has a specific plan for my family.  Although most of the time I can only catch quick glimpses of the specifics of that plan, and those are usually not enough to really understand why some things are happening the way they are, I want to keep pressing forward with the knowledge that God does see the whole plan and if I follow His counsel one step at a time, I can help my family to be that foundation of love and spirituality.

I hope all of you will find peace in each challenge you face today in your own families.

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

The Parable of the "Less than Perfect" Performances

"There are times when we have to step into the darkness in faith, confident that God will place solid ground beneath our feet once we do. And so I accepted gladly, knowing that God would provide." (President Dieter F Uchtdorf, "The Why of Priesthood Service" General Conference April 2012)

In my journey of experiencing several miscarriages (six so far), despite specific revelation telling me of the importance of those pregnancies, I continued to have faith in the inspiration I had received and the hope I felt for the future.  However, as this sixth miscarriage was imminent, I began to wonder if it was time for me to ask more questions--to seek the solid ground underneath my faith.  With that question on my mind and in my prayers, I attended BYU Education Week, believing that even if I did not receive the answer to that specific question, it was somehow important for me to be there, where I could receive personal inspiration with more power since I was in a place dedicated for spiritual learning and I had that entire week to devote to that spiritual learning and leave other cares in the background for a time. 

I was not disappointed. As I sat listening to the campus Devotional on Tuesday, my mind started to wander away from the topic, even though the speaker was one I greatly admire and had looked forward to hearing  (Elder Tad Callister).   I have learned that when I am ready to learn and I am prepared, it is good to pay attention when my mind wanders in that way.  What came to my mind was a parable which I knew applied to me and my question about miscarriages, but I also felt may have meaning to others as they apply it to their own circumstances and so I wrote down carefully in my notebook so I could share how what seems like a "less than perfect performance" may actually be perfectly crafted just for you:

"I will look at my miscarriages as a musical performance I was asked by my father to perform.  I agreed to obey.  I prepared the best I knew how and performed the specified song at the specified event.  My performance had many flaws.  It seemed a failure.  I was tempted to question but chose to accept even the failed performance as significant in some way.

Five more times I prepared for a performance of the same song.  I did not refuse.  I prepared.  I hoped for success.  I trusted my Father and I obeyed Him.  Each time I made sure I was where I was supposed to be at the right time for the performance.  I performed to the very best of my ability and even prayed for help and received priesthood blessings for divine help and strength.  Each performance began well but seemed to fail before the end.

Each time I was tempted to believe I must have misunderstood what my Father was asking me to do" because I know He does not ask me to do something I cannot do."  Each time I chose not to question the commandment.  Each time I chose to believe that in my Father's eyes, somehow that I can't understand, His purpose truly was being fulfilled and my performance was not a failure even though the improvements in my ability to play the song showed very little measurable increase.  Each time I began preparing again to be ready as soon as Father asks me again even though each past performance was so painful for me.

Finally, I went to My Father and asked Him if He wanted me to know why or if I should just continue to obey and accept . . .I wanted only to do what He wants me to do.  He answered me.  He wants me to understand. and someday I will.  Until then I will keep obeying and keep accepting less than perfect performances."  (Janelle Joy's personal notebook, August 14, 2012)


Line upon line, throughout that week, I learned more and more of the importance of my obedience and how each one of those miscarriages has had much more significance in my life and my family's lives than I could have imagined.  Details are not important, or even appropriate to share, since they are specific answers given to me.  But I do want to testify that the answers did come.  I no longer look at those miscarriages with a feeling of sadness or pain.  I no longer look to the future wondering how many more I may be asked to endure.  Now I walk no more in darkness about that particular challenge, I walk on the solid ground of knowledge.  I know that with every challenge we are given, if we continue on in faith, there truly will be a time when we will be able to see the importance and significance of every "less than perfect performance" we perform in our efforts to obey.

Be Inspired,

BYU Education Week

I have planned for Education Week for several months and was so excited as the time came closer. Then, as always seems to happen, opposition struck with a vengeance. At a routine checkup more autoimmune antibodies were found in my system and the Graves Disease that has been in remission came back in full force. I also started into another early miscarriage.

Logic told me I should stay home and rest but I had felt so strongly that it was right to go. What a quandary! With the second witness that my husband also felt I should go and it would be a good and important experience for me, and going completely on faith I made it to Provo and tried to relax for the night. Soon the pain from my miscarriage tripled and was not helped at all by the normal dose ibuprofin. I felt the tears coming and wondered how I was going to make it sitting in classes all day when I was in tears while lying down. I called my husband for reassurance, made sure I took the maximum ibuprofin allowed and finally fell asleep.

So far, the miracle I hoped for has begun as the pain has receded to a dull ache this morning and I have made it through one class so far. My emotions are also distracted by learning new things so right now I don't have to look too closely at the emotional pain of knowing I am losing a baby for the 6th time despite all my research on autoimmune miscarriages and all the positive changes I have worked so hard to implement in the past few months. I know I can't run from the pain but I am thankful that I can have some time to accept it and think about it more rationally while also enjoying new experiences in a place I love so much.(BYU is where I earned my Bachelor of Science degree back in 2000 so it is full of wonderful memories).

Be Inspired,
Janelle Joy

I am So Thankful Our Desires Count

I am so thankful for the two daughters I have been blessed with. They are miracles in my life. I thought often of them as I studied President Packer's talk from last General Conference entitled "And a Little Child shall Lead Them." (Ensign May 2012) I also thought of the many years I wanted more children but was blessed with one precious daughter, followed by two miscarriages, then another miracle daughter, followed by three more miscarriages. . .I am so thankful that all of us who truly desire to be parents and who never give up hope, will someday have that blessing. I can only imagine the heartache of my friends who have that wonderful desire and have not yet been given that blessing for varying reasons. President Packer's words are full of insight and hope:

“At least you want children, and that desire will weigh heavily in your favor in your earthly lives and beyond because it will provide spiritual and emotional stability. Ultimately, you will be much better off because you wanted children and could not have them, as compared to those who could but would not have children.”

"Still others remain unmarried and therefore childless. Some, due to circumstances beyond their control, are raising children as single mothers or single fathers. These are temporary states. In the eternal scheme of things—not always in mortality—righteous yearning and longing will be fulfilled.

“If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. (1 Corinthians 15:19)"

Thankful Thinking: 5th Miscarriage

I am thankful that I am recovering quickly this time after another miscarriage. I know that even though my pregnancy was not saved, all the prayers offered in my behalf were not wasted. This was one of the least painful of any of my miscarriages and I also believe there is still hope for successful pregnancies in my future. I am learning to "wait on the Lord" and to do my best to prepare and learn during the waiting time. Even if I am called to wait until the next life before I am blessed with more children, I want to be preparing with hope and faith today.

Hope Because of Experience

It looks like I will yet again be experiencing the miracle of willingly waiting before it is God's timing for me to have more children. I still don't understand the purpose of my continued feelings that I am doing God's will to keep hoping and trying to become a mother again when the outcome is so often another painful disappointment. But I do know that the opposite feelings of hope and faith and peace and joy outweigh the sorrow. I know there is a purpose somehow.

"Traumatic as miscarriage and stillbirth may be from our perspective, they need not end in sorrow. The Apostle Paul has written about how suffering can turn to hope when we experience the love of God:
“We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
“And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
“And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” (Rom. 5:3–5.) ( quoted from "I have a Question" Ensign September 1987)

"A few years ago, Sister Joyce Audrey Evans, a young mother in Belfast, Northern Ireland, was having trouble with a pregnancy. She went to the hospital, where one of the nurses told her she would probably lose the baby. Sister Evans replied: “But I can’t give up. … You have to give me hope.” Sister Evans later recalled: “I couldn’t give up hope until all reason for hope was gone. It was something I owed to my unborn child.”

Three days later she had a miscarriage. She wrote: “For one long moment, I felt nothing. Then a profound feeling of peace flowed through me. With the peace came understanding. I knew now why I couldn’t give up hope in spite of all the circumstances: you either live in hope or you live in despair. Without hope, you cannot endure to the end. I had looked for an answer to prayers and was not disappointed; I was healed in body and rewarded with a spirit of peace. Never before had I felt so close to my Heavenly Father; never before had I felt such peace"
President James E. Faust "Hope an Anchor of the Soul "

Thankful Thinking: The Gift of My Faith

I am continuing through the literal ups and downs (my husband constantly tells me there are too many ups) while trying to stay on bed rest and give this pregnancy the best chance I have the power to give, without neglecting  all the eternal roles of most importance to me,  I have also had many emotional ups and downs. 

My courage comes from one steady gift; it never wavers: my faith in God and in His ability to perform the miracle of His will, notwithstanding my weakness.  The power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to strengthen and enable my faith,  prayer, willingness, work, and the prayers and service of all the ministering angels around me.

No matter what the outcome of this seventh pregnancy will be,  I have faith that God will work his miracles through me.  If it is a miracle of more learning and the excruciating patience through a fifth miscarriage, then I accept His miracle of that experience;  If it is the miracle of sacrificing a part of myself in order to participate in bringing life to this earth, then I rejoice in the miracle of learning and the excruciating patience of that experience.

 I pray to have the continued faith and courage to joyfully accept each experience today, and in my future.

". . .and he knoweth [my] faith. . . "(Moroni. 8:24)
Be inspired,

Note:  I was really encouraged and inspired by this devotional Address including a story of a woman who from the beginning of her marriage, never put off and absolutely desired children but was not blessed with any for 6 years.  After all her anguish and tears, they eventually were able to adopt one at a time two baby girls and two baby boys.  Then another miracle occurred: she learned that she was expecting triplets and suddenly was the mother of 7 children all under the age of 8.  She had been healed and blessed after her suffering and endurance.  (paraphrased). 
Search for: "The Love of the Savior. Timothy B. Smith. BYU Devotional | February 12, 2008 "
( I was having trouble getting the BYU site to work today in order to link it for you here)

Truly Tender: Bed Rest Exercize

I sure love mom and me time with my sweet little Lady Slipper! How precious it was to have her come struggle up onto my high bed just to be with me. We watched one episode of "coos coos" (Blues Clues). Then the real fun started as she brought up one of her Noah's ark tigers to dance along with the children's station I turned on Pandora. It became a very fun workout as we did actions and bounced animals along with the feel of each song. Thanks so much for playing with me, my Little Lady SLIPPER :) I am so blessed to have you in my family! Be Inspired to notice your own tender moment, Janelle Joy

A Plea for Your prayers

As I am faced with the prospect of a 5th miscarriage, I am doing my best to do all in my power to nourish and strengthen myself and to pray for the strength and guidance and knowledge I need.  I ask for the prayers of any of you who would be willing to offer them.  I know there is much more power in the unity of faith.  I only ask that my Heavenly Father's will be done and that the power of the Atonement (see Elder Bednar's ensign article last month) can give me strength to know, accept and do my part, whatever that may be.

Thanks in advance!  I pray for each of you to also be supported in your own challenges.  Please feel free to post them her and I will pray for you individually as well.  I know there is power when we are united in the faith of what is true and pray for each other.

Be Inspired,

Truly Tender: Thoughts on my 4th Miscarriage and Excruciating Patience

I had a seed of faith planted in my heart: a seed that my Father in Heaven wanted me to be willing to carry and deliver a new baby for Him now and not wait until I feel that all the factors line up right.  I planted that seed once before in November and it happened but I miscarried soon after.  Then I had faith in my feelings, and in my husband's words, that I would be expecting again in February.  It happened. I know that is not a coincidence, especially considering the fact that although I have never prevented pregnancy, I have only experienced 6 pregnancies in 12 years--the last 5 of which are all within the last three years--only two brought me a beautiful little baby to hold.

Even though two pregnancy tests told me I was not pregnant and I had some spotting, the feelings I had were visions of a small seed planted in the ground, growing under the soil but not yet ready for me to see positive results. . .I still needed "excruciating patience" (Elder Tad Callister, My regional Stake Conference Broadcast last year).  Then, a week later, there was a positive pregnancy test--only to be followed by heavier bleeding, abdominal pain and back labor pains. . . It appeared that another miscarriage was on the way, but I knew I had done what my Father had asked me to do and I determined to joyfully accept His will--still hopeful that somehow the answer could still be that this baby might survive, but really knowing in my heart that was not to be the case.  Yet I asked for a healing blessing of whatever my Father in Heaven wanted for me and resolved to do all within my power to do.  Then wait with excruciating patience again.

This 4th miscarriage has been my hardest emotionally, and has brought some new challenges physically than the other three.  I even ended up in the emergency room with this one but luckily was fine after an IV of fluid and some lab tests to rule out ectopic pregnancy. I don't understand why this is happening to me, but I am determined to accept it with gratitude.

President Uchtdorf counseled me to "understand the difference between a wise and a foolish sacrifice."  I know some may feel I made a foolish sacrifice to allow my body to conceive when I knew the chances of miscarriage were particularly high (I have Graves Disease and early miscarriage is very likely because of it).  However, I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father asked me to  make that sacrifice, and that alone tells me that this pain is worthwhile somehow.

As I am tempted to give in to the sorrow and pain that I feel now, I am listening to the voice of peace within me.  That voice reminds me that right now I live in time, but even those short pregnancies are part of  my Heavenly Father's "one eternal round."  Those children I have lost through miscarriage are now a part of me in some way.  I just need excruciating patience with them in a different way than is required with the children I have the privilege to provide bodies for and to raise in this life now.  Those precious other 4 pregnancies are somehow worth experiencing.  I have faith in that whisper in my mind and heart--even though I do not understand.

I also found comfort from reading my previous entries about my experiences with other miscarriages:
Willingly Waiting: My Lessons from Three Miscarraiges
Lessons From Infertility and Miscarriage
Simply a Supermom: Anyone Who Continues in Patience

I would appreciate any comments of understanding or encouragement from any of you who have also had the experience of miscarriage or who have words of wisdom or comfort to offer.  It would be a comfort to me to share this experience with others and learn from you.

Be Inspired,