Thoughts After My Ninth Miscarriage: "Shall I Falter, or Shall I Finish?"

Just after making it to 13 weeks along and finally feeling confident in a successful pregnancy, We lost our little baby boy on November 8, 2013.  He was perfect, with perfect tiny toes and fingers, and oh so tiny mouth and ears. This was the hardest but also the most special since it is the first time I got to really touch and see one of the little ones I have lost. 

No matter how hard, I have faith in the plan that Heavenly Father has for me and for my family.  I know that being willing to do his will and be a mom is just as important as being successful in delivering and raising a beautiful child of God.  We were willing and left all the rest to the Lord. I re-read one of my posts from past miscarriages and reminded myself of the peace I have felt before and the understanding I have gained.

Now, it is our job to continue to trust and have faith in a bright future.  Patience, faith and hope are  my survival words as I mourn this loss and continue to strive to keep going. I am thankful for all of my blessings, even this tiny and so unexpected tragedy.

President Monson's words from last General Conference give me comfort and courage:

"When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn . . . At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness. . .A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish?. . ." 

I intend to finish!!

Be Inspired,

Janelle Joy

I am So Thankful Our Desires Count

I am so thankful for the two daughters I have been blessed with. They are miracles in my life. I thought often of them as I studied President Packer's talk from last General Conference entitled "And a Little Child shall Lead Them." (Ensign May 2012) I also thought of the many years I wanted more children but was blessed with one precious daughter, followed by two miscarriages, then another miracle daughter, followed by three more miscarriages. . .I am so thankful that all of us who truly desire to be parents and who never give up hope, will someday have that blessing. I can only imagine the heartache of my friends who have that wonderful desire and have not yet been given that blessing for varying reasons. President Packer's words are full of insight and hope:

“At least you want children, and that desire will weigh heavily in your favor in your earthly lives and beyond because it will provide spiritual and emotional stability. Ultimately, you will be much better off because you wanted children and could not have them, as compared to those who could but would not have children.”

"Still others remain unmarried and therefore childless. Some, due to circumstances beyond their control, are raising children as single mothers or single fathers. These are temporary states. In the eternal scheme of things—not always in mortality—righteous yearning and longing will be fulfilled.

“If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. (1 Corinthians 15:19)"

Thankful Thinking: The Gift of My Faith

I am continuing through the literal ups and downs (my husband constantly tells me there are too many ups) while trying to stay on bed rest and give this pregnancy the best chance I have the power to give, without neglecting  all the eternal roles of most importance to me,  I have also had many emotional ups and downs. 

My courage comes from one steady gift; it never wavers: my faith in God and in His ability to perform the miracle of His will, notwithstanding my weakness.  The power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to strengthen and enable my faith,  prayer, willingness, work, and the prayers and service of all the ministering angels around me.

No matter what the outcome of this seventh pregnancy will be,  I have faith that God will work his miracles through me.  If it is a miracle of more learning and the excruciating patience through a fifth miscarriage, then I accept His miracle of that experience;  If it is the miracle of sacrificing a part of myself in order to participate in bringing life to this earth, then I rejoice in the miracle of learning and the excruciating patience of that experience.

 I pray to have the continued faith and courage to joyfully accept each experience today, and in my future.

". . .and he knoweth [my] faith. . . "(Moroni. 8:24)
Be inspired,

Note:  I was really encouraged and inspired by this devotional Address including a story of a woman who from the beginning of her marriage, never put off and absolutely desired children but was not blessed with any for 6 years.  After all her anguish and tears, they eventually were able to adopt one at a time two baby girls and two baby boys.  Then another miracle occurred: she learned that she was expecting triplets and suddenly was the mother of 7 children all under the age of 8.  She had been healed and blessed after her suffering and endurance.  (paraphrased). 
Search for: "The Love of the Savior. Timothy B. Smith. BYU Devotional | February 12, 2008 "
( I was having trouble getting the BYU site to work today in order to link it for you here)

Truly Tender: Thoughts on my 4th Miscarriage and Excruciating Patience

I had a seed of faith planted in my heart: a seed that my Father in Heaven wanted me to be willing to carry and deliver a new baby for Him now and not wait until I feel that all the factors line up right.  I planted that seed once before in November and it happened but I miscarried soon after.  Then I had faith in my feelings, and in my husband's words, that I would be expecting again in February.  It happened. I know that is not a coincidence, especially considering the fact that although I have never prevented pregnancy, I have only experienced 6 pregnancies in 12 years--the last 5 of which are all within the last three years--only two brought me a beautiful little baby to hold.

Even though two pregnancy tests told me I was not pregnant and I had some spotting, the feelings I had were visions of a small seed planted in the ground, growing under the soil but not yet ready for me to see positive results. . .I still needed "excruciating patience" (Elder Tad Callister, My regional Stake Conference Broadcast last year).  Then, a week later, there was a positive pregnancy test--only to be followed by heavier bleeding, abdominal pain and back labor pains. . . It appeared that another miscarriage was on the way, but I knew I had done what my Father had asked me to do and I determined to joyfully accept His will--still hopeful that somehow the answer could still be that this baby might survive, but really knowing in my heart that was not to be the case.  Yet I asked for a healing blessing of whatever my Father in Heaven wanted for me and resolved to do all within my power to do.  Then wait with excruciating patience again.

This 4th miscarriage has been my hardest emotionally, and has brought some new challenges physically than the other three.  I even ended up in the emergency room with this one but luckily was fine after an IV of fluid and some lab tests to rule out ectopic pregnancy. I don't understand why this is happening to me, but I am determined to accept it with gratitude.

President Uchtdorf counseled me to "understand the difference between a wise and a foolish sacrifice."  I know some may feel I made a foolish sacrifice to allow my body to conceive when I knew the chances of miscarriage were particularly high (I have Graves Disease and early miscarriage is very likely because of it).  However, I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father asked me to  make that sacrifice, and that alone tells me that this pain is worthwhile somehow.

As I am tempted to give in to the sorrow and pain that I feel now, I am listening to the voice of peace within me.  That voice reminds me that right now I live in time, but even those short pregnancies are part of  my Heavenly Father's "one eternal round."  Those children I have lost through miscarriage are now a part of me in some way.  I just need excruciating patience with them in a different way than is required with the children I have the privilege to provide bodies for and to raise in this life now.  Those precious other 4 pregnancies are somehow worth experiencing.  I have faith in that whisper in my mind and heart--even though I do not understand.

I also found comfort from reading my previous entries about my experiences with other miscarriages:
Willingly Waiting: My Lessons from Three Miscarraiges
Lessons From Infertility and Miscarriage
Simply a Supermom: Anyone Who Continues in Patience

I would appreciate any comments of understanding or encouragement from any of you who have also had the experience of miscarriage or who have words of wisdom or comfort to offer.  It would be a comfort to me to share this experience with others and learn from you.

Be Inspired,

Willingly Waiting: My Lessons from Three Miscarriages

My strong desire to have children has never been completely vanquished even though sometimes seemingly endless obstacles assail me as I work toward becoming a wise mom.   It took a while, and many tears, before I was blessed with my first daughter.  I was so thankful that my waiting had ended and enjoyed being a mother so much.

 I soon realized that my waiting had only begun.   It was seven years of hoping before I finally found out I was expecting my second child.  Only a few days later, I found out I was going to miscarry.  I wondered why I would finally be allowed to carry a child only to let it go so soon.  My daughter had prayed so often for a little sister.  My husband and I had prayed countless times.  However, I tried to make sure that my prayers always included the words “according to thy will.” 

I knew I faced a critical decision after that miscarriage:  Do I become discouraged and disheartened?  Or do I decide to be thankful for even that brief time of the joy of carrying a new life within me.  I had enough experience with disappointment.  I wanted to be grateful.  Another miscarriage followed and I again chose to be thankful for the miracle of pregnancy no matter what happened. 

I was traveling in Guatemala a few months later when I found out that I was expecting again.  I knew there was a high chance I would miscarry early (I have Graves disease which often is related to high thyroid levels and can make it difficult to keep a pregnancy), but the happiness I felt in becoming pregnant for a third time in one year after enduring seven years of unfruitful hopes, was stronger than my fear.  I decided to climb the ruins and experience the other things on my vacation and focus on enjoying the journey whichever direction it took me. I was blessed with another beautiful baby girl.

It has been almost two years since I had my second daughter.  I was thrilled to discover that I was not required to wait seven years this time.  Then the miscarriage started the next day.  Once again I am doing my best to willingly wait on the Lord’s will for me.  I have decided that being willing is more important than being successful .  I know my Heavenly Father accepts my desires and my best efforts even when they don’t seem to bear much fruit.  I am so thankful for His lessons in patience.

Lessons from my Experience with Infertility and Miscarriage

Since I just experienced my second miscarriage this year, after seven years of infertility and hoping, I have had some time to reflect on the lessons I have learned. I am grateful for the lessons because I would have assumed that a miscarriage would bring more heartache into my life but instead has been a very hopeful and exciting experience that I am very grateful for. I know if I gave myself license to think of the sadness of it too long, I might change my mind so I have decided to think only of the wonderful gift it is even to have only a few days or weeks of participating in the wonderful creation of a new life.

It took just over a year after my marriage before I was blessed with my first pregnancy and a few months later blessed with a beautiful daughter. Even that year was hard for me even though I know in comparison to many, one year is not long to wait. I thought my dream of at least six children was on it's way. But after this first pregnancy there were no more for seven years.

For the first several of those years, I spent much time praying and reading infertility articles and taking infertility tests which never revealed the reason I was not becoming pregnant. I felt confused and saddened when I was around others who were able to have children even when they were not married, or did not want their children or . . . many things seemed unfair. I wondered what I had done to make me unfit to have the many children I had hoped for.

Eventually, I fell into a deep depression and for some months was unable to even care for myself properly. But during that time there were many miracles.
1) I learned that it was important for me to be happy being me and to find out who I really was and what God wanted me to do.
2) I learned that God loved me and had other purposes for me along with the important opportunity of being a mother.
3) I learned that sometimes less is more and that I had a singular opportunity to give everything I had to my one precious daughter
4) I learned to desire what God wanted for me instead of what I wanted and to trust in His direction and His timing in the events of my life
5) I learned the probable cause of my infertility and depression when tests revealed thyroid problems and Graves Disease.
6) I learned to be thankful and that gratitude brings the light back when depression threatens to cloud it.
7) I learned how to feel the true sadness in some things in my life without losing the gratitude and the hope.

Because of those lessons I was able to see these miscarriages as blessings. I don't know God's plan for me and my life but I do know that He is aware of me and that I can be happy in whatever that plan is. I was even able to have great discussions with my daughter about why her consistent prayers for a baby brother or sister have not been fulfilled yet and she has been able to happily decide to keep praying and never give up but also to see the blessings she has by being the only child in our family.

I feel so happy to see the great strides and progress I have made so that now my emotional health is much more stable and disappointments, even very large ones, do not have as many detrimental effects on me. Even when my thyroid and hormone levels are not right and things are more challenging I am learning to be a better mom and enjoy each moment as it comes.